Saturday, September 25, 2004


okay you are ALL in big BIG trouble!!!
everyone i know or have known in the past two are now part of one of my new have been forewarned
i'm about to put up (finally) photo albums of all the pictures i've been taking in the last few years. this means you. you know who you are.

i took a picture of you at the jeff buckley tribute, at your club deluxe show, at edinburgh castle, at kimos, in new york city, in san franciso, in los angeles, at tongue and groove...drinking whiskey, running down the street screaming, hiding in a booth...on a boat, on the street, at that house a bar. you were drinking, you were laughing, you were kissing me, drunk and reading a book on my were playing music that made me believe in humanity were dying, living and were my friend, my lover, my new aquaintance...we shared tears, smiles, secrets, synchronicity.

i want you to remember. i want to relive. i want to share...soon i will launch these photo albums...nothing fancy...but they will be online, live, and i will send you the link. it will be fun. or you may hate me for sharing. but either way it is happening. and life will expand. and the music will continue.

for now i share the joys from last night.
ben with his marvelous paintings.
dave and i laughing at seeing each other again (thank you muse! hahahha)
and the strange phenomenon of green christmas lights at

big love and happy birthday to tony today.



i love when everything falls into place. and knowing tomorrow could throw me right back or bring me does not matter. at this moment i am happy. this night was perfect. it was exactly what i needed for like a hundred reasons. i hung out with old friends. i learned to bartend. i got to hang out somewhere i used to work and where i had so many beautiful nights and i got to share in my crazed excitement for muse AND pj harvey
what more could a girl searching for life ask for?
thank you ben, kimo's, the bands that played, harlow, and dave.
i got to have a total freak out girly moment about music and what i love and have that returned. it is making me smile and laugh even now. i got to serve beer to cute wondrous men who know virgin mega whore and the saga that surrounds/ed much synchronicity i can no longer wonder about the placement of myself in this space and time
it is perfect
i thank you
thank you for love
for lust
for wanting
for music
for seeking
for truth.

yesterday i walked to edinburgh castle to see sacha, todd, john and alex play. i was completely down. i could not find faith or hope in people or the course of life circling around me. the music that i heard reminded me...brought back the faith in life that i cling to...add that to the beauty and spontaneity of tonight and i just shrug my shoulders and smirk at the face of god reflected to me. all is well...angels do sleep beneath my pillow
and peace does find joy at just the right moment.

thank you jeff, pj, nick, john, joni, fred, tim and all the rest.
it is a day to celebrate. a moment to want. a peace to have.


pics from tonight to follow...just as soon as i sleep a few hours and then awake to run amok all weekend long
love love love you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

jumping up and down

muse last night was a beautiful beautiful thing
i should be there right now seeing them again in davis...but i couldn't bring myself to go
so i've got them on full blast...dead star and futurism are just the sea and the sand to me
god they rock so much
it was madness up near the stage. i even got thrown on the ground. but some nice girl helped me up before the legs that were flailing past my face actually hit me!
my arms aren't looking so pretty today:

not the best picture i KNOW and there's more...but that's all you get. i didn't bring my camera cause i knew i'd get distracted and that if it was in my pocket it might actually wound me in the crowd :) my sister called during the show and i held up the phone then the mosh pit began and i started screaming 'i'm going to die' and hung up.
don't get me was rad. just to be right up to the stage and see them all doing their thing. and matthew kept prancing around like a pony which was hilarious. those three men deserve a place in rock history and i believe they are well on their way. i've been a fan for four years now and finally see them selling out venues and actually playing in the states. there is a god.

okay okay enough rambling loveness about muse. you all know already how i feel :)

i took today off work and spent time going through songs, playing guitar. trying to find meaning again. that seed of doubt, the questions are back. i don't know what light to shine or even if it deserves a place in this world. i hope i take enough time to be what i'm here to be...


Monday, September 20, 2004

wine in the evening...oh yeah and chocolate

went to napa yesterday
my dad and sister ended up coming into town and we had a weekend of fun
it began going to tongue and groove to see world wide spies...
my sister is CRAZY:

some people think we are twins and some can't even tell we are related, whatya think?

WWS were so fun, as always. i had much less whiskey than i usually do when i see them and noticed that they really do rock...

my dad, beautiful weather and you know where i get it from:

it was great to have some family's so rare. but i was glad to get in salt bath and relax today. i need that...

chilling out right now. just made some portabello mushrooms with gorgonzola cheese...drinking wine...gonna head out soon to meet up with john to chat about red pants and life and the meaning of know. nothing and everything at once.
i'm having the fleelting urge...i want to run off...ireland? new mexico? anywhere...where...? will come. and i will let go of this distraction...and listen to the murmurs of my soul which whisper so slightly right now but get whisked away so quickly...

muse is tomorrow...
it will set my cells afire. i can't wait! i need that need it need it!
i'm still flier girl. songs coming soon on the website. even if they are just rough demos...
be love today.


Saturday, September 18, 2004


it's been a while. but i was going through something i hope i never have to go through again. i'm still amazed at the stress one can put on their own body. a distortion. but then you find yourself again. breathing. soliciting faith. returning.

i love where i am at right now. i'm in san francisco and it looks like i will be here for a while. i've got complete freedom to go where i like and be what i want. most importantly i've solidified in my focus. all that needs to be done now is play. i'm working on my demo, writing songs, and being. just being. and i don't need nor want anything to get in the way of that. even here. even back in my city. i don't want to be here forever. i don't want to move back here. and that's good to know. and i'm seeing the people i know and love here but i'm not giving myself away nd not trying to carry the weight of the city anymore. i don't really care. i mean, i care as i always do, loving...but i'm not attached to it like i used to be. i've found my focus. and my tolerance for bullshit is almost nil.

i've been taking in as much political news as possible, ready everything from socialists magazines and watching middle eastern news stations to reading google news headlines and watching cnn crossfire. my political and historical education has much to catch up on...luckily i've got smarty pants friends who are gving me much food for thought. thank you kelly and john!

i don't want to share what has happened with brian. it doesn't need to be expressed here and i never should have shared as much before :) but sometimes i just can't help myself. just know that i am right where i need to be. i don't need a relationship just to have one. i know exactly what i want and i know when i have that. the path i am on is narrow and my fear of heights is growing. but it is my choice and my battle. and i will continue
which reminds me...

went to napa last weekend and had too much fun crushing grapes and climbing on tractors

don't know how i got up in the morning. the sickness was so bad that day...but it subsided! saturday night was supposed to be a quiet dinner with amman since he was in town to visit his brother...turned out we went to visit ben at kimo's and ran into an old friend and then went bar hopping, saw steve from t&g and ended up back at my place with people i don't even know eating pita crisps, drinking and reading 'the sexual life of catherine m' for storytime.
oh fun fun fun
here's amman!

and ben initiating story time while getting fed

and me discovering that the walls in my place are super soft!!!

and finally me and ryan. hell i don't even know ryan. but it looks like i do right? :)

all kindsa fun. always.

got red pants back!

that was a trip. not sure how much i really want to do with it...but it's been cool having john on board and keep that alive. probably keep some shows going on in sf...branch out into other venues and just work with the few good bands who are here.
decided i definatley do NOT want to do a buckley tribute show. with all the bullshit going on with his mom selling him out and people jumping on the fanwagon and not even understanding the would completely cheapen my love and my experience of him and his music. so i'm keeping it to myself. we'll probably just have a small birthday party or something if i'm still in town or if i come back for we'll see.

shit there's all kindsa other stuff going on. like where i'm thinking of going next...states i've never visited. i'm thinking of just going to these places and chilling out. we'll see. i'll tell you once it happens
much much love...

oh yeah, i've put up a basic site, finally...i know! it took forever. but i was finally inspired to start it. you can count on it going through many reincarnations in the next few weeks so catch it while you can :)

be good.

love love love,


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

harder to breathe

i just want to sit here. drinking wine. more wire. not thinking about growth or anything else beyond my control at this exact moment in time. if i've learned anything it's that i can get through anything. i know this. so i'm resolved to sit inside myself tonight and find silence again. i cannot be afraid. there is too much to do.
so i'm in a studio apartment, i've got a cute view of the city and grace cathedral and only a 7 minute walk to work. it's perfect for now.

people keep asking what my plans are? well...i can barely plan past the weekend so...we'll all just have to wait and see. october will keep me in san francisco to kittie/house sit for john as he goes on his honeymoon...i will also finish writing and begin recording again and play some shows which i'm excited about. i am not sure what they will sound like with just me and guitar...but i only have to spend some more time with them and the tears and fire will find their balance...always do.

i have an overwhelming urge to go read baudelaire. i listened to a lot of old cd's i was into when i lived in paris a few years ago and i think that set me off...there's a really cool song that is french and english called 1+1 and it always makes me want to write in french...or take poetry and set it to the itch for fleur du mal is somewhat explained :)

john and i began our battle to get back red pants productions back. i lost the domain in a stupid war with the web and domain hosters...lame...don't even ask about i made my first email plee for it back today since some robat has stolen it. arghhhhhh.

i am no longer a pirate.

people i miss today: danika. laura. jessica. my darling girls i send you all hugs and kisses and warm cups of hot chocolate.

i'm having a new obsession with seattle. it seems like the greatest place...water, rain, a big city but lots of nature... trees... green...did i mention the rain?

notice how i'm talking about everything but what is really going on?

i love you.


next show: club deluxe, san francisco, tuesday october 26th. 2004.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004


it's september and that kristin hersh song 'the letter' comes to insane beautiful
it's midnight. just went out with tony, hit up sparky's then deluxe to see john and then margaret and hear this rad 10 minute blissed out tune about a frog named jack. imagine - a guy's best friend is a frog, his own tent, flying the kite, all of it....damn. guess you had to be there.

i'm headed home alone in a few hours. by home i mean my mom's county then vegas. see some friends, chill in the backyard drinking beer and eating good food with my sister! decide that things were too inconsistent with brian to warrant bringing him home. communication should not be so difficult or unstable...the last few days i'm been completely tense and felt like my belly was going to eat itself. but it released today.
i think just seeing tony and staying at cellspace helped...comfort...i've known him the longest in sf, i guess close to 4 years now and our times are always easy kick back beer drinking grubbing shoot the shit times. goodness. and i'm in heaven having some private time in a cozy place, not a hotel...yipppeeeeee. to think that four years ago i was dancing like a maniac to lorin in this werehouse meeting so many beautiful souls for the first time, and now i'm sleeping here...i love the circles and cycles of choas that fate brings.

there's more to report but i'll save that for when my head is a bit more clear and not just spewing my overflowing brewed thoughts at you...that's not so fun...
much love to you.