title and regret
i've been absent. i know...i'm sorry. but i got caught up in the flow of thing...so i know you understand
the last, what is it now, two weeks it's been? ... insano. the good kind.
all kinds of emotional tantrums, most of them personal, but all of them beautiful
san francisco feels like a whole new place to me...the same streets and people, sights and sounds, but my heart is in a new place and all that i once was tied to is no longer lingering, no longer a scent i can catch...
i think the easiest thing to do is show some pics - yes NEW pictures to let you in on what's transpired
there's a lot here so prepare yourself. some funny, none serious, all real, no actors. i swear.
so. upon going to practice with pink meat the week i was leaving nyc...taly found out that i would be gone longer than two weeks and pretty much freaked out on me. saying i was giving up on my life and running back 'home'. a whole slew of other shit that doesn't need to be repeated...
i was pretty bummed but was reminded that this kind of shit was happening a lot back in sf when we played there...we are completely different people and she doesn't understand how i live my life. our priorities are different. her #1 is the band, and mine is not...mine is my music, my art, my life...so...here we are.
brian was in california and i was in new york, i needed to be with him and i needed work. the path of opportunity was obvious...and unending...so i followed it...and i'm loving it...
anyway. i still haven't talked to her since i left...i do miss lisa and all her loveliness...
after the ending of practice blowout we continued drinking beer and had a few moments of fun taking 'supermodel' pictures before we parted...
oh yeah that was the night i went to see david garza at mercury lounge but ended up falling asleep after i got my ticket and missed him! then woke up at 7 am and was violently ill for over an hour. it was like some insane food poisoning ... or maybe that apartment was just cursed...in any case, that's all done with :)
after tons of worrying and talking and trying to plan and make decisions , all of which i hate...i put my boxes in storage which was an adventure...finding some random guy on craigslist to help me transport the boxes, hoping i wouldn't die, praying my shit was breaking on the trail down the stairs of my place...then trying not to panic as every material object i love went into a large white box in a horrid hospital-hell-storage-space. weird weird place manhattan mini storage.
my stuff is here:
but hey at least it has a nice view...
it's still bizare that my stuff is there in that energy vacuum...but i have faith that one day soon i'll find a 'home' and not be such a transient. hmmm what would that be like....
oh yeah. pictures. so...jessica and i had some last bonding moments that week...i made cookies and hot cocco and she lamented the fact that we would never marry. though she still is determined to live next door to me so as to still enjoy my cooking and goodies. miss that lovely lovely girl. love you jess...
i planned on spending my last night in, just chilling and preparing mentally for whatever may come...but amman called and rallied me into getting a drink...i swear the night began innocently enough...let's go to arlene's grocery and have a beer, catch up on what's been going on since we last saw each other SO long ago in san francisco...but then...i had to bring my glow stick...
this is no ordinary glowstick. i've had this thing for probably over 5 years...back from my college days. it may even date back to paris...i don't know why i've had it so long. i stopped taking them to parties (thank god i know...) and i just couldn't bring myself to throw it away or find a use for it. so it's been packed up and moved around with me for years...so i finally broke it and took it out for an adventure in nyc...my my my did we have fun...
once we bored of arlene's we headed towards rothko to meet amman's friends...we found them...introducing pabst to bicycles...roughhousing...and just being plain stupid (yep me included) - kids, glowsticks are NOT weapons...i'm a trained professional...
we did have time for a quick photo shoot
here's a bunch of french guys (yes i still remember some french, even i was amazed...), 2 americans and a glowing girl
and then amman made me jealous by peeing in the street!
but i weaseled my way into rothko to use the facilities...soon enough we all piled into the club which was pretty empty and uneventful...until...amman let me in on the secret...there's a secret basement...okay well it might not be secret but it was all old and creepy and lit crazy. it just felt cool. so i investigated...
can't tell you anymore than that.
but next time you're in rothko go...check it. there's side door that looks like a back door that leads to the front, bands exit through it...and instead of going out you can go down...enough said.
by that time we'd had too much to drink and i had only a few hours before i had to leave for the airport. what else to do but go to sal's!!! mmmmmm...sal's....best garlic knots...best pizza...eggplant pizza....mmmmm
oh yeah. hi. sorry. then to manatoba's ... amman started getting a little wacky with the beloved glowstick and i was getting weary...
it was time
i said my goodbye and headed home
a great night.
i missed all phone-wake-up calls and slept through my insano-fire-alarm-loud alarm clock and woke 10 minutes b4 i should have left by jessica. did i already say thank god for jessica?! well...i made it. i felt crazed and excited
i had bags that were too heavy, i had to pay extra for one...my first plane took off but caught on fire so we had to turn around and make an emergency landing at la guardia...sorry no pictures! so i missed my layover in chicago but we finally made it and i caught another connector and made it PHEW to sf...exhausted, delirious, nervous and thankful
then brian came. we spent the weekend, eating, drinking, roaming about. i even dragged him to see eric playing with sunday driver...
i'm not so into the band, but it was awesome to see eric rocking it. and funny that he's going to nyc now to be with katie as i'm staying in sf to be with brian. too funny. i love fate. i love life. that night was weird cause all these peeps i don't really talk to were there including michael who i really didn't care to see again. it's like, you know...forget it.
the weekend was over before i was ready. i was still trying to calm myself down and stop thinking and just enjoy the fact that i was here, with him...and then he had to go to portland for training and the whole cycle of missing him and questioning life and doubting myself appeared. and i got on for a ride. and now i'm tired and have stepped down. now i'm just released. now i see that love is full of questions and thoughts and beauty that doesn't have a pinpoint reason...it just is. it just breathes. it just exists and slides in the palm of your hand, into your heart...and you live in an evolved atmosphere...a renewed spirit. and then you forget everything you ever vowed or promised or wished for and jump into the ocean. and stop thinking about swimming or floating or wading...you do it all, at once and again.
and keep laughing
and keep smiling
and keep loving.
okay that was the longest journal ever
prommise to write more so you don't have to go through that.
tomorrow i work a half day at the bank - oh yeah RAD to be back...missed everyone!!! then i'm going to sacramento to stay with brian. i can't wait. finally. time. with him. perfect.
love love love and love to you.