Tuesday, August 24, 2004

title and regret

i've been absent. i know...i'm sorry. but i got caught up in the flow of thing...so i know you understand
the last, what is it now, two weeks it's been? ... insano. the good kind.
all kinds of emotional tantrums, most of them personal, but all of them beautiful
san francisco feels like a whole new place to me...the same streets and people, sights and sounds, but my heart is in a new place and all that i once was tied to is no longer lingering, no longer a scent i can catch...
i think the easiest thing to do is show some pics - yes NEW pictures to let you in on what's transpired
there's a lot here so prepare yourself. some funny, none serious, all real, no actors. i swear.
so. upon going to practice with pink meat the week i was leaving nyc...taly found out that i would be gone longer than two weeks and pretty much freaked out on me. saying i was giving up on my life and running back 'home'. a whole slew of other shit that doesn't need to be repeated...
i was pretty bummed but was reminded that this kind of shit was happening a lot back in sf when we played there...we are completely different people and she doesn't understand how i live my life. our priorities are different. her #1 is the band, and mine is not...mine is my music, my art, my life...so...here we are.
brian was in california and i was in new york, i needed to be with him and i needed work. the path of opportunity was obvious...and unending...so i followed it...and i'm loving it...
anyway. i still haven't talked to her since i left...i do miss lisa and all her loveliness...
after the ending of practice blowout we continued drinking beer and had a few moments of fun taking 'supermodel' pictures before we parted...

oh yeah that was the night i went to see david garza at mercury lounge but ended up falling asleep after i got my ticket and missed him! then woke up at 7 am and was violently ill for over an hour. it was like some insane food poisoning ... or maybe that apartment was just cursed...in any case, that's all done with :)

after tons of worrying and talking and trying to plan and make decisions , all of which i hate...i put my boxes in storage which was an adventure...finding some random guy on craigslist to help me transport the boxes, hoping i wouldn't die, praying my shit was breaking on the trail down the stairs of my place...then trying not to panic as every material object i love went into a large white box in a horrid hospital-hell-storage-space. weird weird place manhattan mini storage.
my stuff is here:

but hey at least it has a nice view...

it's still bizare that my stuff is there in that energy vacuum...but i have faith that one day soon i'll find a 'home' and not be such a transient. hmmm what would that be like....

oh yeah. pictures. so...jessica and i had some last bonding moments that week...i made cookies and hot cocco and she lamented the fact that we would never marry. though she still is determined to live next door to me so as to still enjoy my cooking and goodies. miss that lovely lovely girl. love you jess...

i planned on spending my last night in, just chilling and preparing mentally for whatever may come...but amman called and rallied me into getting a drink...i swear the night began innocently enough...let's go to arlene's grocery and have a beer, catch up on what's been going on since we last saw each other SO long ago in san francisco...but then...i had to bring my glow stick...

this is no ordinary glowstick. i've had this thing for probably over 5 years...back from my college days. it may even date back to paris...i don't know why i've had it so long. i stopped taking them to parties (thank god i know...) and i just couldn't bring myself to throw it away or find a use for it. so it's been packed up and moved around with me for years...so i finally broke it and took it out for an adventure in nyc...my my my did we have fun...
once we bored of arlene's we headed towards rothko to meet amman's friends...we found them...introducing pabst to bicycles...roughhousing...and just being plain stupid (yep me included) - kids, glowsticks are NOT weapons...i'm a trained professional...

we did have time for a quick photo shoot
here's a bunch of french guys (yes i still remember some french, even i was amazed...), 2 americans and a glowing girl

and then amman made me jealous by peeing in the street!
(photo omitted)
but i weaseled my way into rothko to use the facilities...soon enough we all piled into the club which was pretty empty and uneventful...until...amman let me in on the secret...there's a secret basement...okay well it might not be secret but it was all old and creepy and lit crazy. it just felt cool. so i investigated...

can't tell you anymore than that.
but next time you're in rothko go...check it. there's side door that looks like a back door that leads to the front, bands exit through it...and instead of going out you can go down...enough said.

by that time we'd had too much to drink and i had only a few hours before i had to leave for the airport. what else to do but go to sal's!!! mmmmmm...sal's....best garlic knots...best pizza...eggplant pizza....mmmmm
oh yeah. hi. sorry. then to manatoba's ... amman started getting a little wacky with the beloved glowstick and i was getting weary...

it was time
i said my goodbye and headed home
a great night.

i missed all phone-wake-up calls and slept through my insano-fire-alarm-loud alarm clock and woke 10 minutes b4 i should have left by jessica. did i already say thank god for jessica?! well...i made it. i felt crazed and excited
i had bags that were too heavy, i had to pay extra for one...my first plane took off but caught on fire so we had to turn around and make an emergency landing at la guardia...sorry no pictures! so i missed my layover in chicago but we finally made it and i caught another connector and made it PHEW to sf...exhausted, delirious, nervous and thankful

then brian came. we spent the weekend, eating, drinking, roaming about. i even dragged him to see eric playing with sunday driver...

i'm not so into the band, but it was awesome to see eric rocking it. and funny that he's going to nyc now to be with katie as i'm staying in sf to be with brian. too funny. i love fate. i love life. that night was weird cause all these peeps i don't really talk to were there including michael who i really didn't care to see again. it's like, you know...forget it.
the weekend was over before i was ready. i was still trying to calm myself down and stop thinking and just enjoy the fact that i was here, with him...and then he had to go to portland for training and the whole cycle of missing him and questioning life and doubting myself appeared. and i got on for a ride. and now i'm tired and have stepped down. now i'm just released. now i see that love is full of questions and thoughts and beauty that doesn't have a pinpoint reason...it just is. it just breathes. it just exists and slides in the palm of your hand, into your heart...and you live in an evolved atmosphere...a renewed spirit. and then you forget everything you ever vowed or promised or wished for and jump into the ocean. and stop thinking about swimming or floating or wading...you do it all, at once and again.
and keep laughing
and keep smiling
and keep loving.

okay that was the longest journal ever
prommise to write more so you don't have to go through that.
tomorrow i work a half day at the bank - oh yeah RAD to be back...missed everyone!!! then i'm going to sacramento to stay with brian. i can't wait. finally. time. with him. perfect.
love love love and love to you.


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

fire. silence. joy. sand.

i just finished getting all my shit BACK INTO BOXES
one day my books will be looked at again
and my journals be spoken to...
for now off to storage ... maybe even tomorrow
then i'll be all packed, can clean and thursday i can spend my last day in new york roaming around and doing god knows what...

...this was much easier than trying to leave sf. i'll tell you that. jesus.
sounds like i'm leaving for good doesn't it?
well...i have no plan
no plan at all
and that makes me so happy
i'm just so freakin happy that there is no need to plan anything. life is just happening and i am just living and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

see some of you so soooooon.


Monday, August 09, 2004

wait, sun...

there was a giant white cloud hanging in the sky today, fighting against blue. i had a visit with her on delancy street, nearing shelter.

today i began packing up my nyc apartment. my sublet ends in september and i will be in san francisco so off my life belongings go into storage for the first time ever...
i'm nervous and excited all at once. excited to head back to sf, see my friends, work...see margaret and patti, kelly, neil and the gang...
all other emotions ranging from glee to surprise, uncertainty and faith are welling inside, breaking walls and hanging in silent corridors...waiting for arrival.

i'm not sure what to expect with brian. not sure at all. friday afternoon he'll come into the city and all will be well. can't think too far ahead on this one. just go with it and be there. all i know at this time is that i miss him and can't wait to see him. everything else is irrelevant.

spent the afternoon running errands and wandering about broadway looking for shoes, unsuccessful...as always with the shoe lot. about to head out for some yummy blessed food at sanctuary. mmmmm. tabla's, yumminess, rargh.

too relaxed to write more.
but soon.
love you.


Tuesday, August 03, 2004

path and illumination

things are a bit more clear today
not that i understand anymore about what i am doing, but i am not freaking out. i am not worrying. i am simply enjoying the fact that the universe has shaken my bones, whitewashed my fears and placed me in the perfect position to create.
now. i just have the find the slightest speck of illumination to guide me...where is that rose colored light that used to be so bright? it guided me all the way over here...out of the forest and into the city... :)

john and i are tag team buckley listening again which is always fun. we get the same jeff buckley album out, them we count, 1...2...3...and hit play...then we talk on instant messenger about what is happening. it's a beautiful thing. and a perfect accompaniment to job hunting. my plan of attack is sending out as many resumes as possible. i've never really had to look hard for a job, or an apartment, or much for that matter. i've worked my ass off for what i've had, but it's always just come easily...that's why i'm questioning what to do now. nothing is making much sense...i don't feel like doing anything. perhaps i am still de-toxing from all the over-stimulation of the past few years. or perhaps i'm just ignoring the voice telling me what i should do out of spite. okay i'm rambling and not making much sense i'm sure...

here's a pic of john in case you don't know him, wahahhaha. he's showing you his favorite finger!

today consists of coffee, yes hot coffee in the heat in my hot front room...buckley, job hunting and reading harry potter. i'll probably start learning moodswing whiskey on guitar as well. i miss that song and want to bring it to life...
john's playing deluxe tonight, so if any of you in sf are in the haight, go check him out and drink whiskey with him and think of me hahahha. he has been known to scare people though...hahahha. only go if you want to hear really amazing music. man i miss club deluxe...

no new nyc pictures taken yet but here’s one of me and laura…i miss this lovely creature more than you know…

much much love,

Monday, August 02, 2004

okay i give up!!!

why does god hate me so much this morning? :)
i was so sticky i couldn't fall asleep, then once i finally did around 245 or so i wokeup again at 4, still hot and itchy all over but i couldn't go take a shower cause it's next door...then i get online but don't want to do any work so i get back in bed, feeling sleepy finally only to have the ceiling start leaking water directly on me!!!!!!!! hahaha. yeah soooo funny. it finally stops for a bit and i feel safe enough to attempt sleep, figuring nothing else could happen except maybe the ceiling falling in on me and if that was in the cards so be it, strike me.
so i got a few hours sleep. the apartment i was hoping for is gone already. looks like most things are immeediate openings around here...so how am i supposed to plan and know where i will live in a month? i don't know if i can handle a month of uncertainty!!! i don't know what to do now
but on the bright side, i can feel cool air coming from outside!!! it's a miracle!!!
good stuff can still be had today. i believe! i believe! i believe!

(can you believe it's been three days since i've taken pictures???)