Friday, June 30, 2006

days of deciding

This will be the monster of journals but it’s long overdue and you need to know! Or see rather…this last month. In case you haven’t noticed the journal went into hiatus mode sometime last February. Yeah…wooooooooooops. That’s my new motto WOOPS. Lots of stuff slipped. I fell into love land and now I’ve returned with heart intact. Didn’t realize it was never fully alive until now. And though it’s now sleeping it rests well from exhaustion. [and loneliness].

Does anyone ever see through these clouds of poetic admissions I make? I hope so. I’ve never been one for bluntness but prefer the naïve ramblings of poetry and soul.

I’ve been seeing a lot of my sister lately. We seem to finally be on the same page and both working towards similar goals…she’s pretty much the biggest champion of my music right now and for that I am insanely grateful. She came to visit in late march and we basically ran around having WAY too much freakin fun including the Elefant concert (ugh yum yum yum):

And the hayes valley capsule fair which turned into a backporch party at rag with tony and jennifer, aka dj otterpop. Much dancing was had, even in the dressing rooms:

sangria was imbibed and laugher ruled the school
we owe the afternoon to tony who told us about the party:

I think the day was complete when I lost my new earring only to find it in my dress. Woops my hand down my shirt sorry. that entertained quite a few. Why the weird looks??]

the day wouldn’t be complete without street graffiti oh how I love you so:

and random trashy boys that I take pictures of instead of talking too [woops]. i like to think of him as the new boyfriend. haha.

Now the rest of the day starts getting hazy. I know we tried to get to carnival but all cabs were full and we gave up. Checked out lucky 13 which is a fabu bar, then hit the transfer but the party hadn’t started yet so we went to turbinado on haight street where we ran into Daniel!! Then we grabbed ali baba’s falafel [omg YUM] before hitting up mad dog in the fog where erin finally met up with us.
THEN (yes we kept going) I drunk dialed my dad (what??) and Dan (the other one, from la, duh) who got the scoop and decide he’d come up the following weekend to entertain me and keep me company (yippee).
We got back to my hood, parked in alan’s lot and ended up at rogue where god only knows what happened
The night ended at my apartment where we danced around to shiny toy guns, my sister fell over and I don’t even remember!! Erin and I tried on my new clothes, I took pictures of my ass and then somehow it was the next day
I know it happened cause I got pictures. Take that!! Bi-atch!

I swear sometimes I’m normal. Okay well maybe not but then again I’ve given up trying.
Fast forward a few days to Friday june 9th and I’ve got my show at the makeout room. You’ve got to know this is my favorite venue EVER. The vibe there is luscious, the sound is good and the stage is purty. Ohyeah and It’s perfectly all black and red. A huge crowd showed up which was beautiful and I played three new songs. One was super old and written for brian which never finished. It came together perfectly and is my new favorite and uploaded on myspace for now…the other ones were a two part love fest. ‘give my love away’, brand spankin couple days old new and ‘here is my love’ the love song never finished last year that I wrote for my love. Funny how timing happens upon you. The second verse and bridge wrote one day when I thought I was loosing my mind and pretty much had to go right to the source of my self to process this heady emotion that was coming through. Sometimes I’m not sure what I would do to myself if I did not have music to make. Thank you for that.

Oh we are so NOT done yet. Saturday dan and I picked up erin and headed out with all of our goodies to point reyes. My most favorite place on this earth.

It was cloudy but still gorgeous. The drive complete with good friends and good music (shiny toy guns and pj harvey yes!). point reyes blue cheese and Coturri wine. Heck I even tried salami. No more rules. So why not? Life goes and goes and I realize I understand not a thing. Cause once I experience that which changes me I shift again to absorb something else. Constant evolution. But this is a conversation for another place…

I have the coolest friends [even when dan sped the Mercedes through the hills so fast I swear I died three times…]. Look even their feet are cute!!

Dropping erin off we sped home to get ready for adolfo’s birthday party. We were running late but didn’t want to show up empty handed for dinner, so dan, being the chef he is whipped up a peach cobbler!?!??!! Oh yes yes yum yum. Happy birthday adolfo!! ;0 oh how I love him and jess! xox.

Oh man I swear. We are almost done. Who know so much could happen in one week.
Sunday morning I finally got over to lime for super yummy eggs benedict (my favorite – veggie style!) and unlimited mimosa’s. we sat across from aaron so I was still able to open my mouth and sho him my chewed up food which I know he can’t live without J
Brief stop at the haight street fair to catch 40’s being drunk on the roofs, missed my friend allison, ran into tracey and got the black earings I’ve been dying for [oh yes!]

I’ve decided street fairs are highly uneventful. Big woop you get to eat and drink outdoors and listen to bad bands and maybe run into some friends. We left there to go outdoors at el rio where scott was having his birthday party. This was the best part of the day. Hecka fun in the sun slasa dancing lotsa peeps margarhita drinking afternoon. What every Sunday should be! [there should always be this much laughter!]

So. I don’t remember when where or how but dan and I left and headed to sparky’s for burgers. They were tasty but when we were done neither of us had any recollection at all of where we parked the car. My memory has never failed me to such an extent!!! We walked in circles. We even sat in a cab driving in circles. Nothing. Finally I pulled my famous irish move and stopped on the street. Looked dan in the eyes and said ‘we are going to find this car. Now. In the next 3 minutes!’ we set out, turned the corner and voila! Right in front of safeway the CAR!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then we napped. And then he drove home around 3am I think, back to la.
It was a blessed weekend. Much needed fun and distraction from a pretty overemotional week. I know the heart heals. But I’m just going on heresy. Even when you know where you are and what you are is right, it still takes some doing to convince the heart to change it’s ways. Not so easy to let the heart lead. I wish I could let the head decide. But it just won’t do it. Silly me.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

space and time and circles.

i am a thousand miles away from myself. i can see. i can hear. i can touch and taste and feel. but there is a new rule. a new sense of life. a boundary that has been broken. a freedome that comes from breath and song and noting that the self is alive. wholly. on it's own. i cannot control my belly. my heart. my fingers when they are at work listening to the heart. if i could sing until one hears i would. if i could swim until one sees i would cross the ocean. [he does not].
vanity and superstition haunt me. a cloud covers the seemless rip in my legs. drawing down the moon. backwards. i can't slide. i only feel the weight of fingers digging in the heart. waiting for release. waiting for fulfillment. is it true that love is a glass that will never empty? i would like to believe such things. for now. i sit up. unable to sleep. watching the fan roll and my sister sleep. it is good to be home. to feel alive. to feed off the energy of this space. i could change this world in a snap. i could change myself. hurt myself. leave myself. or. love myself. and my desires change in every instant.
tomorrow i will wander. suggest. leave the house half-dressed again.
and let new york city hold me.

Monday, June 05, 2006


on telegraph hill
i want to go home is all my full heart can say
but i don’t know where home is
i left it nearly two years ago
to follow my heart. for a taste of love.
leaving one dream for another. thinking I could have them both.
and i've had my fill. fallen into darkness where truth was obscured by fear. i thought i'd lost it then. pushed to a limit of defense i did not know i had. then the rain came.
he came. holding me on new years eve. and the lock twisted, broke and the love came back. all that i have left of this year and a half is a full heart. love in all its glory. pushing. pulsing, gnawing at my feet. caught up in my hair. it no longer has a home but seems to have found its way back into my body quite nicely since its release. and now it is sleeping. but ever present.
thank you for giving this gift. for giving me such love that i could find my own again. for every. little. thing.
this is all i know right now.
and i am coming home.
i know that i will find my home.